Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
