I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
