She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
