Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
