Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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