OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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