why didn't you poke me back
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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