i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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