Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
