Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
They took my balls.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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