my soul wont recognize me after tonight
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Randomize
