Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
