I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
