Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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