The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
