I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
