i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
