6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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