Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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