Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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