I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
