Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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