At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
