Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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