I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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