yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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