2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
