i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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