WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
the liver wants what the liver wants
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Randomize
