Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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