we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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