im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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