I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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