You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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