Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
