We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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