bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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