i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
