Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
