guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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