after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm like, not good at living.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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