Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize