i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
