i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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