There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
