ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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