i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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