what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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