What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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