i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
