Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
