Swine flu. Run for my life!
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
