On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
