woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
