Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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