I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
