If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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