I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
When are your genitals available?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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