do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
