I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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