just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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